Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
