Just fell off a train. Bad.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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