Your dad touched me again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
