Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
