you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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