i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
