i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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