I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
