i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
