I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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