he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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