i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
