Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
