i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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