she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
