i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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