mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
