Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
