At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
