i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize