I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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