Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
