My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
