how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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