new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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