Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
