Will you blow on my dice?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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