I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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