Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
