Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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