Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
