When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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