Please, let me fuck your mom
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize