so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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