I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
