Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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