Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
