So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Girls should come with a carfax report
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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