I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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