If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
