All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
