when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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