he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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