what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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