nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize