last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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