Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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