do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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