The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have fence marks all over my body
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
