tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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