Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
