If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
