I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
