Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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