Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize