I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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