if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize