Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
