First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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