I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
